I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
