Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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