I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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