apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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