well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
