I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
