Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize