You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
