I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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