you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
