one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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