so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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