Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
