I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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