She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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