Well douche your snatch and let's go!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
