My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
