Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
and she was petting her beer can
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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