I need help removing her.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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