even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
