Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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