I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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