He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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