i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
