hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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