Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
