I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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