If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize