non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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