i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
