just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
