By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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