maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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