She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm like, not good at living.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
