dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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