guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize