I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
