I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
