I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
