i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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