I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
