Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
