"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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