Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
