so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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