We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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