Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
