Im at strip club and am horny
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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