hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
