can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
