Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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