Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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