Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize