i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
