It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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