I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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