is your mom at the bar?
Pappa wants mamma naked
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
