Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
