I wish my penis had an off switch
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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