the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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