College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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