she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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