Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
